I think I’ve been super cynical about love and yet in a sad twist, I sort of want to find it. I clearly seek male companionship, and sometimes that comes with emotions. I’ve honestly tried really hard to stay single for that past few years. Yet,somehow I always find myself playing the role of girlfriend ( if not actually being someone’s girl).

I can say that I’m not sure that I have experienced love. At least not the way I see my friends and family experience it. I can’t say no one has ever loved me. I know for a fact that this is untrue. However, I don’t know that I have ever really been in love with anyone. I’ve been comfortable. I’ve been lustful but I don’t know about being in love. I can say I’ve had GREAT, GREAT friendships with GREAT guys ( minus a few serious mistakes). But how do you know when you are sure? How do you know when it’s real?

Maybe I’m not capable of that kind of love. Maybe  the furthest I can go is being a great friend. *shrugs* I love my family, That’s a love that is undeniable. Even when they treat me badly or piss me off or take me for granted, I still dole out all this love and support. I can’t help but be happy when I am around them. I love my family.  I also have friends that boost my spirits just by crossing my mind. I have some of the best friends in the WHOLE WORLD. They are kind and loyal and I would just about die for them. I would imagine that you feel this way about a spouse/ significant other, but it’s been all business for me. Looking for someone with the right looks and the right frame of mind and the right fit for the type of life that I want. I don’t really get with the not having control over who you fall for business, and yet at the same time, I’m attracted to the “wrong” kind of guy.the business-like aspect of the hunt for me may be  because of how rational things have to be for me, but Love is irrational. sigh…

I always find myself with SUPER passionate people. The type that obsess about things ( Politics, Music, Fashion, and Technology mostly). It often isn’t disastrous, but I start looking for reasons that this isn’t a good fit for marriage. Logical reasons. If there are enough logical reasons, I walk away. Maybe it’s fear. Vulnerability is not my thing. sigh….

Like I said, I’m not in a hurry, But how do you know when you are in love? How do you know when it’s real.

That’s where I am today. My mind is just wandering.

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